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Dappled sunlight filtered into the room through flapping curtains. The distant sounds of play and chatter barely touched Nora’s ears. She slowly opened her eyes to see Soren looking at her. Nora started like a fugitive.
“Woah, are you alright?” said Soren softly.
Nora gave a wary nod, “um, sorry about yesterday.”
“Yeah, it’s…” Soren struggled to find words, “me too.”
Nora removed the covers from her chin and sat up against the headboard.
“So are you going to…” Soren trailed off.
“Yes,” said Nora, “I’ll be leaving with the last Arkship.” She took a deep breath and gathered her courage, “are you going to be staying on Earth?”
“Yes.”
That word, and her anticipation of it, sent a dagger of adrenaline into her heart. Briefly, her body was in a panic before she pushed the feeling down, deeper into her psyche where arguably more sensitive parts of her self dwelled. Up from those depths, as if displaced, came a great emptiness. It made her arms feel heavy and it made her forget what it was that she wanted to do at that moment and in general.
“I’m sorry,” Soren reached to smooth her hair, “I—“
“No, it’s fine,” Nora put her hands up. She didn’t want to be touched, “I should have been prepared for that answer. Everyone told me that it was likely. I’m…” Nora hugged her knees, “I’m happy for you. You’re where you belong. To think I tried to take you with me—” Nora broke off as she recalled all of the things she imagined they would do together in their new lives. She hadn’t thought about them for a good while so she was unprepared for how strongly she wanted them to come to pass. It was the worst time for them to come to the front of her mind, right when she learned with absolute certainty that they would be impossible.
“Are you okay?” asked Soren.
With a deep breath, she was able to push her sadness down. “I’m fine,” she said, “let’s just try to enjoy the time we have left together.” She managed to smile at him.
“Oh babe,” Soren hugged her tightly.
Nora tensed up reflexively, she didn’t know if enjoying his embrace would amplify her grief later. Her body, however, didn’t share this caution and her arms wrapped themselves around Soren’s torso tightly. The familiar feeling instantly relaxed her muscles.
“I hate to ask,” she said softly, “but you seem to be handling this really well…”
“Deep down, I knew that there was no way you would stay on Earth. I hoped for it, all the time actually. I knew that at the end of the day, if you stayed, you would forever be unhappy. I’ve already seen it happen with each Arkship departure as the world became more boring for you.” Soren began to release Nora, “so once I knew that I wasn’t leaving—”
“When was that?” Nora hugged him tighter.
“Last night actually, when I realized I had to stay, it hit me that we weren’t going to stay together.”
“Did you cry?”
“A little on the outside, a lot on the inside.”
Nora released Soren to look at his face, “you know I think it’s okay for guys to cry, important even.”
“I do.” Soren looked at the door, “but the family.”
“Right,” said Nora.
It was always the family.
“How much do they know?” asked Nora, “everything?”
“Probably twice that if you include the rumors,” said Soren.
“I hope they ask me so I can set the record straight,” Nora sighed deeply at the thought of the barrage of questions.
“Me too,” said Soren, “wait! The river. Do you want them to know about that?”
Nora thought about what her father said, then about the conversation she overheard and how obstinate the elders were about avoiding “space.” “I want them to know but I don’t think it would help them. It’s up to you, since you’ll have to keep the secret much longer.”
“Thanks,” said Soren, “I won’t talk about, but I won’t lie about it either.”
“That’s fair,” said Nora. She looked down at the sheets they were seated on, there were some faint blooms of dust that must have come from her outdoors clothes. She could feel that she was on the verge of falling into what-ifs around the river information.
“How do you want to spend our last days together?”
“As we always have,” said Nora, glad for the grounding distraction, “as a couple. I don’t really care what we do as long as we do it together.”
“I like that,” said Soren, “how about we get breakfast then?”
Despite Soren suggesting breakfast first, Nora found herself downstairs far ahead of him, having missed last night’s dinner. Along the way Nora bumped into a few family members who almost immediately excused themselves. It felt as if she was visiting the Clemson family for the first time and none of the members knew what to make of her. In the kitchen, the fixings for breakfast were all laid out: scrambled eggs, hash browns, toast and butter, soyrizo, pancakes, cereal. As Nora served herself some pancakes and eggs, one of Soren’s older siblings entered along with her child, looking for seconds.
“Oh you’re here,” stammered the mother, “I’m sorry.”
“Not at all,” said Nora, “I’m pretty much done here.”
“You are?” she said, astonished. The gears turned for an instant, “oh I see! With breakfast. Take your time, please.” She took the plate from her child. “Are you and ‘Ren still…”
“We are enjoying our last days together,” said Nora as clearly as possible.
“Oh I see,” she said. She looked at her child, “come, let’s go play with Daddy in the backyard.” With a nod, they were gone and Nora was alone in the kitchen again. Just as well since she forgot the maple syrup for her pancakes which she began to look for. She got the feeling that it was going to be a long day.
“Looking for this?”
Nora turned around to see Monica holding the maple syrup bottle.
“Yes, thank you,” said Nora as she received the bottle, “how did you know?”
“It’s sweet, like you.”
“Thanks,” said Nora, putting on a smile.
“Yeah, Terry really likes his syrup so, thinking that we were the last people to get breakfast, we just took the bottle.”
“That makes sense,” Nora drizzled the syrup on her pancakes.
“By the way,” said Monica as she dropped her plate into the sink, “what’s the story between you and Soren?”
“We’ve decided to enjoy our last few days together,” said Nora.
“Ah, I see.”
Nora no longer had any business in the kitchen but wasn’t sure how to leave. To her relief, she could hear Soren’s footsteps pattering down the stairs.
“Well, I’ve got to go,” said Monica, “see you at the dance tonight!”
Just as she left, Soren entered,
“Sorry I took so long,” Soren kissed her on the forehead, “you haven’t eaten yet?”
“I was answering questions,” Nora wrapped her arms around Soren and sighed into his chest. She wasn’t really feeling breakfast anymore.
The autumn dance was always held on the third night of the harvest as far back as the days when the local community center was still standing. Over the decades, less and less households showed up until it was just the Clemsons and Pelletiers in their newly completed theater. The theater was warmly lit and the ceiling blended the music from the stage and the crowd into a balanced soundscape that enveloped Nora.
During the day, she had managed to convince herself that she had come to terms with her impending separation with Soren. She was fine. With enough massaging of the facts, it was all palatable and her future, while undetermined, would be okay regardless of whichever of her envisioned scenarios ended up coming to pass.
Nora started the night dancing with Soren. She always enjoyed the times they got to dance. Their dances were always in perfect synchrony thanks to the practice she insisted on while following his lead made her feel connected to him in a more fundamental way than words could ever aspire.
With each song, everyone bowed or curtsied and changed parters. Each of Nora’s partners managed to be different from all who preceded him. Some were good leads, some did not have as firm a grasp on their footwork. Nora used to back-lead in those cases, preferring to defy the norms of dancing in favor of making sure they danced properly. However tonight she didn’t feel like she had the energy for anything more than being compliant in her lead’s hands, skilled or otherwise.
There were a couple of highlights. Uncle Gus turned out to be an amazing lead who simultaneously was able to teach her new moves on the fly and change his motion to prevent Nora from misstepping. She also got a laugh from spotting Soren and Dawn paired up, each struggling to lead the other.
Nora’s feet were sore by the time she started dancing with Terry. She was looking forward to going to bed.
“So, uh, how’re you doing?” he said after a while.
Nora took a deep breath. “I’m fine,” she said. She watched their feet for a little bit before remembering her manners, “how about you?”
“I’m good,” he said, “I kinda wish that—Oh!” He hopped back, “I think I stepped on your toe. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” said Nora, “I’m wearing my steel-toed dance shoes.” She presented her instep even though there was no gap in the goldenrod fabric.
“Right, you made those last year.” Terry resumed dancing, somehow more sheepish than before.
“What were you going to say?” asked Nora.
“Just that I wish we could dance with some partners more than others,” he said, looking askance.
“When are you going to ask Dawn out?” said Nora. She could already hear Dawn chastising her for passing up such an easy opportunity to tease him.
“Umm,” Terry bought some time by beginning one of the longer dance moves. “I dunno. I feel like it’s more Dawn’s style to do the asking, you know?”
“It would seem like that,” said Nora, leaning back in Terry’s arms to complete the move. “But I know for a fact that she doesn’t like taking the lead in that case. So, you need to do something.” Nora wondered if she could at least see Dawn and Terry become official before leaving.
With a violin solo from Ian, the song ended. Terry gave a quick bow and Nora returned an equally quick curtsy. She looked at the stage to see Ian replying to a comment from Thomas as they both turned the page on their sheet music. Striking a few chords on the piano, Thomas started the next song.
“Hey you, let’s dance.”
Nora turned around to see Dawn holding out her hand. Before Nora could say anything, Dawn took her hand and began to lead her around the dance floor.
“Dawn,” protested Nora, “what are you doing?”
“You know I like to lead, right?” said Dawn as she led her through a turn, “I know Soren knows at least.”
“Does that mean you ‘won?’”
“You betcha.”
Nora giggled imagining how that played out. That joy faded quickly, however, and Nora let out a long sigh.
“You okay there girl?”
“Yeah, I—” said Nora, “I think so.”
“Aw, it’ll be okay,” Dawn drew her into a closer than normal position in place of giving a hug, “you’ll find someone. There are supposed to be, like, millions of people out there, right?“
“Billions at this point.” The two danced for a while.
“Did you back-lead Terry when you danced with him?” asked Nora.
Dawn sighed. “No,” she said, “he was the only one I didn't push around but I don't think he got the message. I wish he would just grow a pair and ask me out.” Dawn began to lead Nora through another turn.
“We’ll I just danced with him and told him that you—“
Dawn abruptly stopped Nora from completing the turn.
“What happened?” said Nora, “is there someone behind me?”
“No,” said Dawn, fixated, “it’s nothing.”
Nora looked over her shoulder to see Soren and Monica dancing in close position. They were dancing very close, almost touching in fact. Soren looked very uncomfortable but Monica was oblivious to her surroundings. Soren tried to restore some distance between them by swinging her out but Monica used the momentum from the return swing to plant a kiss on Soren’s lips.
Ian fumbled the next note on his violin. Julie’s chair scraped the floor as it was pushed back, and everyone started whispering.
Nora didn’t hear any of this over the sound of several trains of thought being started at once. The volatile mix of depression and jealousy she felt made her realize that she was giving up something special and irreplaceable. It didn’t matter if every possible future would be “okay” or “acceptable” or even “amazing.” Try as she might, she couldn’t represent everything and everyone in her life with variables and functions. The basis for all her explanation and reasoning for why she shouldn’t be depressed, grieving, or just plain crying was unraveling explosively. Regardless of what her new life would be like, the life she had on Earth was a significant, irreplaceable, and wonderful part of her life and she had elected to leave it behind.
“Are you okay?” Dawn’s hands hovered over Nora’s shoulders, unsure if a hug would better or worsen her mood.
Nora watched Julie partner up with Soren while Monica was led away by the wrist by Terry. Soren appeared to be babbling to his mother, ashamed and trying to explain himself.
Nora turned to Dawn and simply leaned on her. “No, I’m not,” she said.
Nora and Dawn sat on the sectional in the attic, wrapped in blankets. The sloped ceilings were mildly claustrophobic but offered a much needed sense of security to Nora. From the ladder hatch drifted up muffled traces of the commotion that was taking place a few floors down. Dawn was making a concerted effort to comfort Nora who hugged her knees and slowly worked her way through a stack of handkerchiefs.
“Monica has always been trouble,” continued Dawn, “I mean, she usually gets the most attention when you’re not here.”
“Good for her,” murmured Nora.
Dawn paused as she chose her next words. “You saw Soren’s reaction? He didn’t want it at all, he still only has eyes for you, girl.”
Nora sniffled.
Dawn put her arm around Nora and rubbed her shoulder. “C’mon, it’ll be okay,” she said, “before you know it, you’ll find someone amazing and forget all about us.”
“But I like you guys,” rasped Nora, “I don’t want to forget you all, even though it will hurt to remember you.”
Dawn opened her mouth, then closed it opting instead to hold Nora tighter.
Their attention was drawn outwards again by the sound of the attic ladder creaking. They watched the open hatch to see Soren poke his head through it.
“What are you doing here?” said Dawn, wrapping her other arm around Nora.
Nora put her hand on Dawn’s arm which was reluctantly removed.
“Here to talk to Nora,” said Soren, “if she wants to, that is.”
“She does,” answered Nora, patting the spot next to her, “c’mere. It’s okay Dawn. I’ve been waiting for this.”
Soren and Dawn exchanged a stare as they passed each other.
“Hey,” said Soren, sitting down, “I’m sorry about what happened at the dance. I—”
“It’s okay,” said Nora, looking away to dab her eyes, “I know you didn’t want any of that to happen. It’s not even what’s made me upset.”
“What do you mean?”
“Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that as long as we are on the same planet, you’ll be mine.” Nora linked arms with Soren. “What made me upset was realizing that leaving everything I have here isn’t going to be as easy as I thought.”
“Is there anything I can do to make it easier? Even if just a tad?”
“Just be there when I need you,” said Nora, “but also leave me be when I need that. I need to get used to not having that choice.”
“I can do that.”
“Thank you,” she allowed herself to lean against Soren. “Is there anything I can do to help you in our time together?”
“I’d love it if you’d let me draw you one last time,” said Soren.
“Of course,” said Nora, already feeling her face turn red.
The morning sun shone brightly in the dusty backyard of the Clemsons. The chill of the autumn air was evenly matched by the warming rays of the rising sun. Rust colored leaves rustled and danced in the stiff breeze while the doors on the arrayed greenhouses rattled against their latch. The only sign of human activity was the constant slamming of the screen door and accompanying footsteps.
Nora sat as still as she could on the veranda while Soren drew her portrait in his nicest sketchbook. While sitting, she entertained herself by watching the comings and goings of people in the backyard. Many seemed to be headed to the dining hall, presumably for mulled wine or snacks. Others weren’t quiet off the hook from work, briskly walking by carrying some tools or a clipboard. By this point she was watching a group gathering near one of the sheds. First it was just Monica and Terry, then Ian joined, then Julie got involved, then they were interrupted by a younger Pelletier who came running. She soon dismissed the group and then headed into the kitchen, letting the screen door slam behind her as well. Nora couldn’t make out any of the excited discussion that ensued before Julie strode back out the screen door with Dawn trying to keep up.
“But Mom, I don’t know what this thing you’re talking about looks like,” said Dawn.
“I’d do it myself,” said Julie, getting into a 4x4 driven by the younger Pelletier, “but one of the cows is giving birth and that can’t wait. The water sterilizer is important which is why I’m asking you to do it. We have enough water in the tower for one or two days but you need to find a sterilizer that fits today so that we have time to install it. Do what you need to.” With that, Julie left them in a cloud of dust.
“What’s going on Dawn?” asked Nora.
Dawn rubbed her forehead, “the UV water sterilizer that treats all the water going into the house is broken and the replacement we have on hand is apparently the wrong type. We’ve shut off the incoming water so the clock is ticking before we use up the water we keep in the tower.”
“What are you going to do?” asked Soren, closing his sketchbook.
“I don’t know… Wait,” Dawn pointed at Nora, “you probably helped install the last sterilizer, right?”
“I did,” Nora broke her pose to finally lean back in her chair.
“Can you and Soren come on a foraging run with me?” pleaded Dawn, “we need you to just make sure we get the right one this time.”
“Sure,” said Nora, “just us three?”
“Yeah, meet me at my truck in 10 minutes,” said Dawn.
“They are very large,” said Nora.
“Hey Terry!” shouted Dawn, “come here!”
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