Embedded Files
The afternoon was sunny and breezy as the two trekked up a sloped patchwork of green and brown and speckles of white and yellow. The smell of dust and chaff from the harvest still lingered in the air while large clouds gathered on the horizon. The two hiked in silence for a while.
Nora thought to herself about how hills and especially mountains made for strange destinations. Their challenging terrain gave an unfriendly impression. What was really strange about them was the fact that the closer you got to the summit, the less things the mountain could offer you. Every step upwards made you more distant from friends, food, water, and shelter. Why then would anyone climb one? The only thing of value that the mountain had for you at the top was the view it commanded of its surroundings. However most climbers were probably more motivated by something from within, anything suitably challenging could replace the mountain. Nora always felt like she was doomed to climb mountains but of what kind she wasn’t sure.
“The view sure is nice,” said Soren once they reached the top. He kicked a rock and they both watched it tumble down the hillside before coming to rest in a dip. “What did you want to talk about? Leaving?”
“Yes,” Nora took Soren’s hands and looked into his eyes, “how do you feel about other planets? Did you get a chance to look at the pictures of the Altarian countryside I gave you last time?”
“Yeah, they were pretty underwhelming actually,” Soren laughed, “it really just looks like Earth but in perpetual autumn.”
“Exactly,” Nora joined Soren in looking over the fields, river, households, and reservoir. “Do you have any lingering fears about space?” Nora felt her pulse quicken.
“No,” said Soren, “I’m actually a little excited by the idea.”
Nora’s mind went blank for a moment as all thoughts were displaced by a flare up of elation and relief. Some part of the emotional explosion must have reached her face as Soren smiled warmly.
“Yeah, actually a little excited and curious,” he rubbed the back of his head, “but—“
Nora’s heart stopped, then began to pound. Her muscles tensed and her thoughts snapped into orderly blocks, each one attempting to guess and prepare for Soren’s next words.
“But now I’m worried about my family. The book transfer yesterday made me realize that without you, I’m the problem solver of the family. No one else really wants to take up that mantle.”
Inside, Nora kicked herself.
Soren stared at the horizon towards the brittle skyline of Toronto. “I mean, do you think they will be okay?”
Nora stared at the ground as her mind warred with itself. To lie and say they would be okay would be the most victimless crime. There was no one left on Earth who could stay that could save the Clemsons and Pelletiers from being swiftly and painfully extinguished, and no one would be able to know what would actually become of them once she and Soren left. If anything, she was saving one person instead of none. The other part of her mind remembered her conversation with Julie and how, even if the river never dried up, the Clemsons might not make it without her let alone without her and Soren. Another part of her also thought that the situation might not be totally hopeless if she were to stay. Part of her was enamored with the idea of directly helping in her own unique way a small community that loved her for just being herself.
“Nora?” Soren brushed her hair out of her face, “will they be okay?”
She was running out of time. She tried to organize her thoughts but wasn’t able to confidently identify which ones were based on short term thinking versus sound logic. Feeling pressed for time, she combined all of her thoughts and hoped for the best.
“I don’t think…” said Nora, already feeling like she had made the wrong choice, “…that anyone in the Great Lakes region stands a good chance, regardless of whether you or I or even my dad stays.” She closed her eyes as if expecting some form of punishment. Nora’s body never felt so tense. Her thoughts scrambled, trying to predict the flow of the conversation and somehow salvage the situation.
“W-what do you mean Nora?” asked Soren.
Nora stared at the ground, “the climate is deteriorating faster than we thought.”
“I mean we always figured that could be the case. That’s why we’re always trying to breed hardier crops.”
“No, it’s worse than sporadic rainfall.”
“What could be worse than that? What about the drought we had a few years ago? If it wasn’t for the reservoir, the whole farm would have burned—”
“There won’t be a reservoir!” Nora immediately covered her mouth in an attempt to recall her words, but it was too late.
Soren’s face made a confused plea for answers.
“It’s…” Nora forced herself to look at Soren as she spoke, “it’s the river. It’s drying up. The mountains that it comes from won’t be getting snow or even rain in a couple of decades.”
“Nora,” Soren’s eyes were wide, “how long did you know about this?”
“About a couple of months.”
“Months?” Soren let go of Nora’s hand, “why didn’t you tell us sooner? We could have done something—”
“What would you have done?” cried Nora, “what would you have done that doesn’t involve me at any point?”
“I would figure something out, which would be easier if I had more time. Wait a minute!” Soren was indignant, “you knew this and you still wanted to leave, taking me with you?”
Nora averted her eyes. She could feel her cheeks burning while her mind was engulfed in chaos and a rabble of angry thoughts grew.
“Not only that,” Soren threw his arms up, “but when you brought your library of books and that super-diagram, you explained it to me, even though you wanted to take me with you. Why?”
“I didn’t think it would need explanation,” said Nora meekly.
The answer didn’t satisfy Soren. He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, “you know, even though you’re very smart, it’s annoying how you think you sometimes know better than us.”
This upset Nora greatly. She never wanted to hear any part of that sentence, least of all from Soren. The mob of thoughts that she had managed to contain up to that point boiled over and seized control of her body. The burning from her face engulfed her.
“I know better than you?” shouted Nora, “about what? About climate science, terraforming, resource management, things you need to know to survive?” She looked Soren in the eyes as she walked around him, counting each item off on her fingers. “Gee, how could that be? Could it be because I studied planetary engineering and my parents are climate scientists, and because I read more books in a week than your whole family does in a season?” On the inside, Nora was in a panic. She regretted every word she said even though each one was disturbingly cathartic.
”For so long I have been trying to help you, coax you and your family in the right direction, and you have been so resistant. This isn’t a difference of opinion, Soren, there is a right answer and a wrong answer. And this isn’t even a test. I am giving you the answer and you choose to get it wrong. Can you see how that’s frustrating?”
Nora paused to catch her breath. She tried to regain her composure but not even Soren’s cowed expression could douse her fury, there was just too much she’d wanted to say for too long.
“It’s been so frustrating dealing with your short-sightedness and pretending that your stance on this slow apocalypse is anything but crazy.” She waved her arms over her head and gestured at the barren terrain beyond the Clemson’s fields. “Why do you and your family want to stay here so bad anyways? What do you gain?”
“It’s not that simple, Nora,” said Soren, averting his gaze.
Normally this would have been a sign for Nora to slow down but whatever part of her was in control ignored it, this was the debate she always secretly wanted to have and she wasn’t going to hold back. She took a deep breath in.
“Oh I see,” said Nora, “please then, do elaborate. Explain to me the nuance I missed in your family’s choice to doom themselves, I’m sure there’s a lot of it.”
“I—” Soren didn’t say anything for a moment as he fought back tears, “I don’t know how to say it.”
Nora laughed.
“Not everyone can come up with an answer on the spot!” He looked somehow smaller.
“Let me offer a diagnosis,” said Nora, “you and your family are afraid of change, of change and the unknown. The reason you’re afraid of these things is because you never look into or think about the future any further than the end of the growing season. Really you’re just like humanity in the Pre-Decline era, always borrowing from the future to better enjoy the present. You’ve seen where it’s gotten us, don’t you think something similar will happen to you?”
Soren was silent for a moment. Nora followed his gaze downhill to see a small crowd of people watching them. Only the outward force of her rage stopped her from being crushed by the pressure of everyone’s eyes that she was now aware of. This balance of forces, and her desire to see their conversation to its end, kept her from fleeing down the other side of the hill.
“Well I have a question for you,” said Soren, copying Nora’s tone and drawing himself up to his full height, “have you considered that it’s you who is afraid of change? Afraid to leave some people behind perhaps? If you’re so convinced that leaving is the right move, then why don’t you leave me and find someone amongst the stars? Or are you afraid that things won’t work out?”
Now it was Nora’s turn to be silent. He was right, she’d known Soren for all her life and growing up in a depopulated area had given her the deep-seated belief that there couldn’t be more than one or two good potential partners in existence even though rationally she knew that wasn’t true. For a second it seemed like she was about to retake control from her wrathful self but then Soren continued.
“Actually, let’s test this,” he said, “assuming that I can’t leave for whatever reason, which would you choose: to stay with me and the family who love you here on Earth and the tight-knit life that brings, or to reunite with your family and achieve your ‘full potential?’”
“This exercise is pointless,” said Nora, turning away, “this is a real thing, let's not waste time on arbitrary rules and contrived hypotheticals.”
“No,” said Soren, “let’s actually spend some time on this, you normally love this stuff anyways. I am now genuinely curious about your answer when you can’t change the rules to make every decision a no-brainer.”
Nora looked down as she fought with herself.
“I need to stop doing this. I can’t take out my frustration on Soren.”
“You can’t be constantly accommodating everyone, especially when you know they don’t have an accurate grasp of the situation.”
“I have already hurt him enough. Arguing further isn’t benefiting anyone. I’m going to apologize and fix this.”
“No. I’m doing this to protect you.”
“You want to know my answer?” shouted Nora, “let’s reason it out. Let’s see, so far you haven’t even considered or at least made any indication of a serious willingness to leave with me. Therefore, why should I do the same for you? I would leave.”
“No, wait,” said Soren, “I have considered leaving with you, and besides, your argument becomes circular if we both accept each other’s terms.”
“Wow, you’re right,” said Nora, feigning surprise, “it seems we will need a tiebreaker then. How about the fact that we, as in humans of Earth, each have a duty to our species to vacate Earth, so that it can rest and so that someday our descendents may live their entire lives here without worrying about their survival? Do you realize that if everyone wanted to stay, everyone would have to leave for the sake of Earth? The only reason you get to make a choice is because everyone else ‘weirdly’ decided to leave. There’s a big reason behind why they all left, but you all refuse to grasp it. You know the shuttle has room for all of the Clemsons, the Pelletiers, and their possessions, right?”
Soren’s look remained defiant.
“We’re done here,” Nora turned and began to walk away. Soren reached out to grab her arm but she brushed his hand away.
Nora kept walking. Away from the hill, the house, and the fields. She wanted to be as far from the family, from Soren, as possible. As she cooled down, she became aware of the fear and regret that had accumulated within her during the argument. She kept walking until she found herself at the reservoir. She walked onto the path running along the top of the dam until she reached a door. She removed the lock with the key her father gave her when she took over dam maintenance, and walked down the damp stairwell. Eventually she made her way to the control room. The steady hum of generators filled the air and pushed troublesome thoughts out of Nora’s head. She flipped a switch turning on rows of LED lamps. Walking down the hall, she found the foreman’s room, turned on the heater, and lay down on the tattered cot where she stared at the ceiling and brooded until sleep took her.
* * *
Nora awoke with a sharp pain in her back. As she massaged her lower back, Nora realized that she was also famished to such a degree that she was becoming nauseous. Deep inside the concrete structure, she had no idea what time it was. She checked her watch. 04:39. It would still be dark out, she thought, but she didn’t want to spend anymore time alone in the dam. She turned off the heater, the lights, and made her way up the stairs to exit the dam.
Outside, the night was fairly bright thanks to the full moon. The night air was chilled and crisp. Stars wheeled overhead. Nora finally appreciated how far the dam was from the farmhouse. She always took a horse or car to the dam except for yesterday when she walked the whole way on autopilot. She stuffed her hands into her armpits and thought to herself as she made the long walk back.
“Why did I say those things? Where did they come from?”
“From you.”
“How long was I holding them in?”
“A long time.”
“I lost control of myself yesterday. If I felt better after saying those things, it would be one thing. But I felt bad saying them then and I still feel bad. I’m going to apologize to Soren, at the very least so that I may feel better.”
Nora continued to walk in silence, instead focusing on the rustling grass and occasional hoot of an owl. After a while, she could make out the dark silhouette of the Clemson homestead. A faint thread of smoke rose from one of the brick chimneys. On a whim, Nora decided to enter the house through the backdoor. On her way around the house, she noticed a light coming from a basement window. Not knowing what to expect, she tiptoed until she was standing against the wall next to it. Several voices came from within. Nora looked through the window, taking advantage of the fact that with the light difference, it was effectively a mirror to anyone inside the elders’ meeting room.
Inside Thomas Clemson was leaning back in a dining chair, Mr. and Mrs. Pelletier were seated on the old sofa, Uncle Gus sat up straight in an office chair with his hands together on the table, and Julie stood in front of a large timeline held to the wall with some clips.
“What do we do?” said Thomas, “we thought that Soren would keep her from leaving, but now it seems like they’re never going to talk to each other.”
“You thought that,” Julie placed her hands on the table and leaned over it, “and you seem to have forgotten that you don’t need to be married to someone for your relationship to survive one argument.”
“Well what did you think would keep her here?” Thomas stifled a yawn.
“There wouldn’t be anything keeping her here,” Julie regarded everyone in the small room, “she would choose a life here after understanding what she would gain from doing so.”
“Fulfillment and happiness and all that?” Thomas glanced at his wife.
“Yes dear,” said Julie, “‘and all that.’”
Thomas grunted as he sat up straight, “well I think it’s time for us to consider a back-up plan if I may be so bold.”
“What do you mean?” asked Mr. Pelletier, “you don’t mean going to space?”
“No, not that,” said Thomas, “I mean raising one of our own to replace Nora and fill her role as scholar.”
“But who would—who could—do that?” challenged Julie.
“Well there’s Soren,” Thomas held up a hand, “even without much pushing, he’s taken well to learning new things, even on his own. With a good teacher he could—”
“Who is this ‘good teacher’ you are thinking of?”
“I know it can’t be Nora,” snapped Thomas. “Angus, for example, knows everything there is to know about machines or at least fixing them.”
Gus appeared surprised by hearing his name. “Oh me?” he smoothed his mustache, “I-I don’t really have anything left to teach Soren. He soaked up pretty much everything I told him. Also I want to reiterate that while I did say that I can give the dam a look, I am by no means an expert.”
“Of course,” said Thomas.
“Soren is very bright,” said Julie, “but he can’t replace Nora. Two days ago I would have agreed with you, but after seeing how many books Nora brought to explain how to maintain the dam, it’s not possible, not without formal education. We built that room for Nora expecting to hold all of her books and she filled a quarter of it with just one topic.”
“Were they all just for the dam?” asked Mr. Pelletier.
“Yeah, I also suspect that there was some padding of the collection,” said Thomas.
“Disagree,” Julie didn’t even turn to look at her husband, “if anything, we will find ourselves rummaging through the Silverton house looking for a book she thought we wouldn’t need.”
“That’s… whatever,” Thomas put up his hands. “When is the next dam maintenance anyways? Gus?”
Gus took out his reading glasses and paged through his binder. “The dam was last inspected three years ago. The inspection before that was another five years.” He paused and held the binder at arm’s length, “although, if you go way back, before the 5th Arkship departure, they were maintaining the dam every 20 years.”
“Hey look at that,” Thomas leaned back in his chair again, “the dam doesn’t need as much attention as we thought.”
“It doesn’t work like that,” said Julie.
“How would you know?”
“Because,” said Julie, “I’ve thought about the dam and its maintenance for at least 10 minutes, which means I have 10 times a better idea of how it would work.”
Thomas crossed his arms, “well we aren’t just limited to Soren. Are there any promising minds in your house?”
“Oh!” Mrs. Pelletier also wasn’t expecting to be called on, “well, Terry is quite the competent one but I fear he doesn’t believe in himself quite the way Nora does which would make the job hard without a mentor. Timmy is quite bright and confident but he is still learning his letters.”
“Honestly I think there is a way forward without Nora,” said Thomas, “if we put Timmy on an accelerated learning path, I think he could do it. Naturally we would have to brush up ourselves, but I think we can do it.”
“It won’t be necessary,” Julie stared hard at the table, “I’m sure Nora will come around.”
“Why do you say that?” Thomas tilted his head to try and look at her face.
“There’s still one thing I have left to show her,” said Julie, “after that, I am sure she will stay.”
Nora heard a twig snap in the bushes. She nearly jumped as a mischief of mice scurried out of the shrub. She didn’t bother to see if the elders noticed and instead snuck to the front door as fast as she could, up the stairs and into Soren’s room. Still riding a fight-or-flight high, she slipped into the bed next to Soren without even taking a second to debate with herself. She quickly calmed down in its warmth and softness and promptly fell into a dreamless sleep.
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